It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
