dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
