gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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