Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
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If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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