I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
