my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
