Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
