I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Randomize
