great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
