you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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