Just fell off a train. Bad.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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