After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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