so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
