Someone shit on the floor
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
