this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
