We got so high we made milksteak
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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