You're my little dorito
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
