I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
