Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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