i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
