I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
