I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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