After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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