final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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