Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
