that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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