A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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