I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dear god my vagina.
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