my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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