I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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