Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
