We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
