i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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