She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.