I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
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I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass