Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.