my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
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So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
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This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh