what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
