My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
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