God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
