dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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