Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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