I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
