New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
