the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
