something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
