do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
