1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
