He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
