I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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