Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
