I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
