im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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