No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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