Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
