I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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