Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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