I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is Oprah even human
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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