Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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