i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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