I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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