: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
