I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm at about main and main street
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
