Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
