Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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