The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse