then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out